A good partner massage needs no training, just three things: a warm room, oil and slow, even movements. You start on the back with broad stroking, work your way up to the shoulders and neck and finish again with calm strokes. 20 to 30 minutes is enough. Ask about the pressure during the massage and leave out the spine, the kidney area and the front of the neck.
This article is written for beginners who want to do something nice for a partner at home. If you would rather be massaged together, read What happens during a couples massage? For the back massage on its own there is a separate guide to back massage at home.
Is massage by non-professionals worthwhile?
Yes, and this has been studied better than you might think. In a randomised study from the USA, relatives of 97 cancer patients learned simple massage strokes from a video and a handbook. For four weeks they massaged at least three times a week. A comparison group read aloud to their relatives for the same length of time. Symptoms such as pain, tension and fatigue decreased in both groups, but clearly more after massage. Those giving the massage afterwards felt more confident and comfortable with touch.
A large analysis of 37 studies on massage therapy found less tension, lower blood pressure and a calmer pulse after just a single session. After several sessions, anxiety as a trait and depressed mood also decreased. These studies concerned professional massage. The study with relatives shows, however, that the core of it can also be achieved at home.
Preparation: room, oil, surface
- Warmth: The room should be warm enough that nobody feels cold without a shirt. Anyone who is cold tenses up.
- Surface: A bed is usually too soft, you sink in and work with a bent back. A thick blanket or sleeping mat on the floor is better. You kneel beside it or sit sideways on your heels.
- Oil: A neutral plant oil such as almond or sunflower oil is enough. Warm it in your hands before it touches the skin. If an old oil smells rancid, throw it away. How to tell is explained in Can massage oil go off?
- Towels: One under the body, one to cover the legs.
- Hands: Short fingernails, no rings, warm hands.
The guide in seven steps
Your partner lies face down, arms relaxed beside the body or under the forehead. A small cushion under the ankles relieves the lower back.
1. Settling in
Place both hands flat on the back and breathe calmly together three times. It sounds trivial and helps both of you relax.
2. Stroking
Spread the oil with long strokes. Both hands glide up beside the spine from the sacrum to the shoulders, then back down over the sides. Six to eight times, with light pressure.
3. Circling along the back muscles
Work the two muscle strands to the left and right of the spine in small circles with the heels of your hands, from bottom to top. Always stay one or two finger widths beside the bony bumps you can feel, never directly on them.
4. Shoulder blades
Run your thumbs along the inner edge of the shoulder blades. Tight spots often sit here. Hold medium pressure on such a spot for ten seconds, then move on.
5. Kneading the shoulders
Move to the head end. Grip the ridge between neck and shoulder with thumb and fingers, lift it slightly and release slowly. Like dough, not like pliers.
6. Neck
With your fingertips, circle up the back of the neck to the base of the skull. Hold calmly for a few seconds in the two hollows under the back of the head. How to work on your own neck is shown in Massaging your own neck.
7. Winding down
Finally, long, slow strokes over the whole back again, a little lighter each time. The last touch is a hand that rests calmly for a few seconds.
Pressure, pace and communication
The most common mistake beginners make is going too fast. Slow movements are more relaxing than firm, quick ones. A good rhythm is about as slow as one calm breath per stroke.
A scale from zero to ten helps with pressure. After two minutes, ask: “Where are we on the scale?” Four to six usually feels pleasant. Anyone who holds their breath or grimaces at a spot needs less pressure, not more. In a partner massage, pain is not a sign that it is working.
Where not to massage
- Directly on the spine and on other bones that lie right under the skin.
- Kidney area: the region below the ribs on the left and right of the lower back. Only stroke broadly there, do not press.
- Front and side of the neck with the carotid artery and larynx.
- Backs of the knees and groin, if you continue down to the legs.
- Inflamed, injured or freshly tattooed skin, varicose veins, bruises.
Skip the massage if there is fever, an acute infection, a known or suspected thrombosis or a fresh injury. Anyone who is pregnant, has cancer or takes blood thinners should check with their doctor first what is possible. If a radiating pain, numbness or dizziness occurs during the massage, stop immediately.
When your hands have had enough
Half an hour of massage is work for the hands of the person giving it, too. If you want to be there for each other regularly without one person always giving, you can take turns with devices: on some evenings a neck massager or a massage cushion does the work. An overview is available under Massagers. If you want to switch off together in Hamburg, you can book a room for two in the NAIPO Relax Lounge.
Frequently asked questions
How do you massage a man properly?
Not fundamentally differently from a woman. Many men carry their tension in the neck, shoulders and lower back and like a little more pressure on the large muscles. Only the person you are massaging can tell you whether that is true. Ask about the pressure instead of guessing, and stay beside the spine.
How do you massage a woman properly?
With the same strokes and the same question about pressure. Differences tend to be from person to person rather than between the sexes. Make sure the room is warm, your hands are warm and the pace is calm. During pregnancy, lying on the side replaces lying face down, and the massage should be agreed with a doctor beforehand.
How long should a partner massage last?
20 to 30 minutes for back, shoulders and neck is a good framework. Better shorter and calm than long and hurried. If you still have energy afterwards, add five minutes for the feet or hands.
Sources
- Collinge W, Kahn J, Walton T et al. (2013): Touch, Caring, and Cancer: randomized controlled trial of a multimedia caregiver education program. Supportive Care in Cancer. doi:10.1007/s00520-012-1682-6
- Moyer CA, Rounds J, Hannum JW (2004): A meta-analysis of massage therapy research. Psychological Bulletin. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.130.1.3
This article does not replace medical advice.
Written by NAIPO Editorial Team · Massage & Product Experts from Hamburg
Product experts, service technicians, and massage enthusiasts at Alsterwell GmbH — specializing in massage technology for over a decade, with our own workshop and showrooms for test sitting.
Fact-checked by David Eberst · Co-founder of NAIPO
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